Anxious much?

Tomorrow is THEE day.  We're starting my juicing fast. My husband is going to do a few a day and then he'll eat a balanced dinner; he doesn't think he can do the entire 10 days juicing.  In his defense, he also works; so it's understandable his apprehension to detox the entire way while working.  He's a chef.  It'd not be a good idea if he was in a fog around a hot grill; oven, fryer, etc.  You get the jist.

So I have a confession, I cheated yesterday.  I haven't had much in terms of fast food since before the holiday season.  Even while at home, we cooked a lot, which was great.  I think the 10+ days we were home we only had two nights of takeout.  We had chinese food and Dino's pizza.  When I first moved to Canada, it used to be when we'd go home to visit it was the BIGGEST EXCUSE to eat as shitty as possible.  I'm talking; Richway, had to get a gyro; Arnie's, a cheese polish and fries and John's Pizza in Munster, it's our usual treat now thanks to our Aunt n Uncle; their mushroom/sausage pizza is out of this world, mmm.

So back to my cheating story; my husband went to a birthday party and I couldn't attend.  I felt a little sorry for myself; because I would have liked to go.  So instead, I had this grand idea of...LET'S GO OUT WITH A BANG.  I ended up ordering a burger, onion rings, a fish sandwich and a slush with ice cream.  I kid you not...IT WAS THE WORST DECISION I'VE MADE IN AWHILE.  My stomach was on fire all last night and I've had horrible acid reflux all fucking day.  I admit I'm a fucking idiot.

My love affair with food has always been a toxic one; I've NEVER had a good idea of what it means to be healthy or stick with eating well.  Sure, I've done it in the past, starved myself and only ate "protein" and did a shitload of horrid exercises.  The skinniest I got was when I used to work on the boat in my early 20's and I thought I was hot shit.  I was in a size 12 pants and an xl ladies shirt.  Fuck.  I looked good but I didn't feel good.  I had (still have) horrible self-esteem.  There's only one time in my life I ever felt beautiful, my wedding day.

My sweet husband came in late this morning and told me he had a great time and I'm always truly happy when he does, regardless of my little jealousy streak.  He then asked how my "green mile" meal was and I told him it was the worst mistake that I felt like horseshit and my body is already starting to revolt.  In what fucked up way did I think it would be ok?  I rationalized that I'd been doing it for so long, what's one more meal?  A typical junkie response.  Sigh.  Fuck. Shit. Bitch.

The shittiest part of all this is that I can self-actualize and analyze myself and my behavior.  I KNOW why I do it, but as we all know; the best advice we could give to others, we can't take for ourselves. So much fucking truth. To top off the remorse I felt and adding insult to injury; while I was putting my daughter to sleep last night, she's got this habit of burying her face in my armpit (don't ask, she's nuts and she can breathe) and then swinging her arm and either grabbing onto my shirt and pulling, or sometimes she just smacks my arm.  Let me tell you; instead of doing just that, she found my double chin people....legit found my double chin and started to smack it back and forth because it "jiggled"! She actually giggled for a bit before she drifted off to sleep.  That was a very hard pill to swallow, I wanted to stop her because I was on the verge of tears but also knowing she's teething and if this means I can get her little ass to sleep....I let her continue.  Fuck that was excruciating.

Early tomorrow morning I'll be hitting our local veggie/fruit store.  They've got the best selection of buying fruits and veggies in bulk for a lower price than the major grocery stores out here.  It's supposed to last us for 5 days of the 10 day cleanse.

This is my list:

25 APPLES
4 BANANAS
2 PINTS OF BERRIES- BLUEBERRY/RASPBERRY
2 COCONUTS
8 LEMONS
2 MANGOS
4 PEARS
3 AVOCADOS
45 CARROTS
30 CELERY STALKS
10 CUCUMBERS
2 BIG BUNCHES OF SALAD MIX
5 BUNCHES OF SPINACH
10 BUNCHES OF KALE
1 BUNCH OF CILANTRO
1 BUNCH OF PARSLEY
6 PIECES OF GINGER
A BOX OF RAISINS
3 DRIED DATES
3 LITRES OF VEGETABLE STOCK (This is to only be used when you need something "warm" and you are literally tired of drinking juice)

Wish me luck people....because...

Something inspiring should go here...

I'm just jumping right in here today; I have been starring at this screen for well over 45 minutes and my brain has drawn out a little "pssst" sound...u know the one you get when you fart?  Yup.  That's what I've got going on today; is fog.  Pure foggy brain. I contribute this to eating less sugar/carbs and fatty oils the last three days.  It's recommended that you start cutting back prior to the juicing to help have less of a reaction.  So, less junkie vibes is what I'm getting from that.  My husbands' also been kind enough to help get rid of all the "bad" shit in our fridge/pantry so there's no temptation.  Kudos to you big man.  This shit is going to be so hard.  I know it.  Now's the time to try to psych myself up to this as a "goal".  A "start to finish" type mentality and if necessary....bust out some Billy Ocean quotes; like:

So we ended up getting the juicer in on Friday and it wasn't supposed to be in until next Thursday.

 That threw me for a loop, fuck.  It's here.  We've spent money on equipment and it's now REAL. 
Shit.  I think I may have had a mini panic-attack when I saw the box sitting on my doorstep.  I waited until my husband got home and he was the one who opened it, he was more excited than I was, considerably.  He does that sometimes, surprises me.  When I first broached the subject of juicing he just kind of...well....half listened.  So for him to be super excited for it, and not I...poses one of a few questions for me.

1.  Is he actually excited?
2.  Is he trying to get me motivated?
3.  He wants to be healthier?
4.  All of thee above?

I'm going to try for 4; I've been talking his ear off for the last week about this juicing adventure I wanted to go on; how I'm dead serious about getting healthier for our daughter and myself and to be there for him more.  We've discussed everything from plant protein; animal protein, carcinogens in meat and how a variety of diseases are actually caused by a lot of food we are told to be considered healthy for our bodies. 

I got a few of these ideas from another documentary I watched called:  "What the Health?" 

http://www.whatthehealthfilm.com/

*This link above is to the actual documentary website, and u can watch the video there*

It basically broke down how our bodies aren't meant to live on just "meat" and that we should be eating a more plant based diet.  I'm a researcher; I will watch something and then do a few hours of research and dig up what I can and read both sides of a story/idea/conspiracy and I forge my own conclusions.  There are articles that "debunk" this documentary; it is very PRO-PLANT/VEGAN and does often highlight why we should eat NO MEAT whatsoever.  I think it's a bit exaggerating; most of us have common sense and KNOW what meat and foods to avoid, as well as sugar/carbs.  So the basis for this documentary is good; however it does have flaws. 

http://time.com/4897133/vegan-netflix-what-the-health/

*This link above is a debunking article, a good read*

I will say though, that it does raise a few questions as to the validity of what we're being told through advertising.  Doesn't it make you wonder?  Is medicine is only around to just treat the symptoms of an issue, and not actually help cure the problem?  Big Pharma is a BILLION dollar a year racket.  If doctors treated and cured, there would be no need for pills; no need for production; no money in it for them. 

The great thing about living in America (and Canada too) is that we all have a CHOICE on how we'd like to live.  We're not in a third world country where you're told what to do on a daily basis, how to live, how to eat, who to marry; etc.  We have it in us to CHOOSE how we want to live.  We can DECIDE what we want to eat, what we put into our bodies; what we fuel our brains, hearts, soul and stomachs with.  So by all means, if you want to continue what you've been doing and you're ok with it, go for it dude.  If it makes you happy personally, who am I or someone else to tell you otherwise?  It's your life, your body.  I know it's time for me personally to make this change. I don't feel healthy.

I'll admit as much as I know my brain is strong, my willpower needs a bit of work and it's much easier when you have someone to help you; you don't feel so alone.  My husband is my partner but I've been fortunate enough to be part of a group of lovely ladies who's sole goal is to talk about their struggles, dreams, ideas and also to help motivate everyone else and encourage moving forward as well.  It truly helps knowing you have that kind of support.  No judging, no gossip; no shitty responses, catty replies or straight up bitchy behavior.  That shit should be left alone, period.  People are so used to breaking each other down and being negative that should be NOT TOLERATED.  FUCK THAT.

We literally only have this one life to live.  How do you want to remember it?  Being miserable? Sick?  I sure the fuck don't.  My entire outlook on life changed when I became a mother. I now realize what it means to give yourself to your family and take care of them.  Your someone's mother, provider, shoulder to lean on; you are that babies world.  This beautiful innocent soul; who has yet to be tainted by outside forces.  It's time to build a legacy that my daughter (and any other future children) can be damn proud of, potty mouth and all.  I want to raise a strong, beautiful, sensitive girl to always remember the good in people, to stand her ground.  I want her to KNOW SHE MEANS SOMETHING, that SHE'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE SOMEONE and that she's FUCKING IMPORTANT.  I want my husband to know that he is MY ONE AND ONLY and that he's ABSOLUTELY THE MOST AMAZING MAN TO BE BY MY SIDE. 

This is what I leave you with.  Until next time. 

 

A sketchy divine awakening for this sarcastic soul......

Hello!

I had started this blog a few years ago and then like most things I "attempt" to do, I got lazy and let it slip to the side until I quit.  So I deleted all the blogs I had...fresh start.

So...there have been plenty of changes most of you know about that are reading this, for those of you who don't, here are my cliff notes:

* Got sick in 2016 and had to have surgery and remove an adrenal gland due to a cyst the size of a softball growing on it. 

*My grandma passed away  in August of 2016 and it broke my heart (still does). I had previously lost my other grandma in 2015 from cancer, I was close with them both and I miss them every day. :(

*Got pregnant  in September of 2016 and had a beautiful baby girl in May of 2017.

Those of you who may not know this, I now live in Canada; originally from NW Indiana and here when you give birth, you have the choice to go on Maternity leave for an entire year and have the government pay for it (as long as u work and log enough hours, it's a lot like unemployment wages that you'd get in the US). I've been off work since April of 2017 and as much as it may seem like you have a TON of time...when you've got a baby, a house to take care of and a husband?  You DON'T.

I'm also diabetic. I'm a stress eater and also I just eat when I'm bored.  While pregnant I was OUTSTANDING at watching my sugar intake and monitoring EVERY SINGLE THING I put into my body so it wouldn't harm my daughter.  I only gained a total of 33 pounds and it only packed on towards the end of my third trimester.  After I gave birth, I fell into a "lazy" mentality again.  Dealing with sleep depravation, figuring out how to be a first time mom, balancing my mom life with my married life and giving my husband attention was hard. It actually put me into a depression and gave me severe anxiety.  I dropped a bunch of weight after birth; almost 55 pounds.  I was stoked; ready to continue to try to drop some more weight! 

Unfortunately, within the last 7 months, I've actually gained 25 pounds of it back.  I also no longer have a somewhat "tone" stomach, thanks to that beautiful stretching, I now look like I'm still 9 months pregnant with a lumpy sack of potatoes and I detest it. My husband, who's never commented on my weight before told me he was worried about me.  My father, who's also never commented on my weight not so "kid glovishly" told me that it looked like I was still pregnant.  That fucking stomach just hangs now, sometimes I visualize just taking a knife and cutting off the fat, you know...like you would off a prime rib roast before you roast it? Shit.

During the holidays I just ignored everything, got really down on myself and sat in denial.  So now we're into January of 2018.  January....new year....new you...right? I'd say I didn't have any resolutions.  I've done that crap before; and failed miserably.  This time around, it's not just a "yearly" resolution.  I'm just tired.  Tired of feeling like shit.  Tired of hurting.  Tired of not having stamina.  Tired of being fucking tired.  Let's call what's happening now...an awakening.  I will no longer set goals and set myself up for failure.  No unrealistic ideas, GRAND gestures, just plain and simple me trying to get to the root of my problems.

I stay fat to keep people at bay; it's a shield so to say, a very unhealthy one I might add.  I eat my emotions.  I sleep away frustration and repress anger.  I've been off balance for a very long time in my life and it's time to stop making excuses for myself and start coming up with REAL solutions.

We recently got Netflix for our house; and with so many options, I've found myself the last week watching a few different documentaries. The first one was by a man named Joe Cross and it was titled:  Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  I was skeptical at first, I won't lie.  He juiced for 60 days.  Literally just drank veggie/fruit juice 3-4 times a day with a shit-ton of water.  He lost an impressive 65+ pounds and got off most of his medicine that he had due to unhealthy eating prior to the cleansing. 

Here's a link to watch the video for free:

https://www.rebootwithjoe.com/watch-fat-sick-and-nearly-dead/

It's a good website to check out if you're ever considering juicing.  I was able to print out a 19 page plan to start my 10 day fasting.  I ordered a nice juicer and now we're just waiting and getting ourselves prepared.

I'd be lying if I didn't feel a bit apprehensive about all of this; I'm going to reboot and reprogram my body to rid out toxins from excessive sugar, fat and carbs.  The bitch ain't gonna be happy, and she's going to revolt.  Just sayin. 

This will be the first juicing recipe I try from Joe's Reboot website:

Joe's Mean Green (green juice):

Makes 2 Servings

16 kale leaves
2 cucumbers
8 celery sticks
4 apples, cored
1 lemon, peeled if desired
2-inch (5cm) piece of fresh root ginger


Wish me luck.  This is going to be an adventure.  I'm going to try to update this blog every day, if not every 3 days.  I can promise that.  Having an almost mobile little human has become quite interesting and very time consuming.  I'll be documenting everything; how I"m feeling, side effects, recipes I'm trying, what I like, don't like...you get the gist of it.

I'm doing this for myself, but more important to me; my daughter and husband.  I need them in my life and they need me to be my best.  So when it's going to get really shitty for me, I'm told the first 3 days is the hardest to get through...my plan is looking at both of them and silently telling myself "You're doing this for them, they're important and you matter." 

Thanks for reading this long winded blog.  It's the first day of change for me and so far I feel good.