Time to turn a new page...

Hey.

I'm here.

I've been here, but every single time I pull up this blog to write, I don't have much to say.  What's funny about that?  Tell my brain at 5am to stfu with ALL the things I think about when my ass should be sleeping.  Yup. 

So I'm now just literally writing what comes into my head and hope that it's not a jumbled mess of shit.

Most of you know that I'm on maternity leave; I was scheduled to go back to work in June after we go home for Mary-Anne's 1st birthday party with our American family and friends.  However, there have been problems while I've been away that basically accumulated into a phone call I received Friday.  I was trying to maintain optimism that it wouldn't have come down to this; that my company had rebounded and landed a new contract.

They didn't.  I go in Monday to sign off on paperwork giving me a 2 month notice that I have been terminated from my position to due to a lost contract for the company.  Our entire plant is being shut down.  Including myself, there's a good 30+ people who will be out of a job. 

I'm friends with a majority of them and it hurts knowing that a good portion of them are going to struggle.  It's some of the hardest work I've ever seen; working in a plant is no joke.  I worked (still work) for a recycling plant, but I've always had the luxury of being inside the office.  The plant itself it's open air concept; these hard working people don't have air conditioning when it's hot out or heat when it's below freezing. 

Most of them stand up on a line picking out garbage for 8 hours a day or they're outside cleaning or backing in trucks and watching material come off the back.  They have to smell the most atrocious shit and gag at some of the crap that people throw away in their "recycling".  I've told many of them..."I don't know how the hell you do it" and "Jesus Christ, doesn't that shit stink?" 

So yes, here comes the part where I start whining.  Boo-hoo you have to redo your resume'....aww poor baby you have to start interviewing again....that sucks, you start out new again somewhere else.  Yup.  For someone like me; it's not the issue of getting a job; as conceited as it sounds.  I'd consider myself marketable.  I know a good amount of things about things and how to do things and if I don't know the "thing" I make myself master and learn the "thing" needed for said job. 

It's the starting over again and then the "not knowing".  Not knowing is NO GO for me; I like to maintain control as much as I possibly can.  Funny, right? My SIL and I have discussed the possibility of social anxiety disorder.  We looked it up and jeez, it makes sense.  I personally do like to be social, but after a certain amount of time, my brain is like, exhausted.  Done.  It took me a VERY LONG TIME to be comfortable at my husband's family functions because they're such large functions and everyone is loud and happy and talking and it's a lot to take in. 

Anyone look at this chart and think; holy shit??????  The article I read talks about how social anxiety starts at about the age of 13 in most teenagers.  For me, that's right on the money.  I'm always nervous that I'm going to get laughed at or made fun of; it happened a few times for me.  I can remember one instance in middle school where I liked a boy and wrote a poem.  The boy was a fucking jerk; he took it and let everyone read it and I got picked on mercilessly that entire year.  I never wrote any poetry after that.  Wanna know what made it worse thou?  My literature teacher READ IT and told me it was really good and that I had a talent for it.  I know he thought he was doing something good; making the situation better.  He made it worse.  That's mortifying.  Maybe my scared ass should take a stab at it again; who knows? 

It's plausible that mine is genetic.  I know my mom has it; and if she reads this and shakes her head; mamaw....you need to re-read that chart in this blog.  My mom is a wonderful woman; very giving, funny and cares for people who don't deserve anything from her.  She gets hurt easily and doesn't do well with any type of change or negativity in her life.  She's super sensitive and an all around amazing person.  She loves hard and gets crushed harder. 

Would it be enough for those of us with self-esteem or anxiety issues to just one day have an epiphany and realize like..."I AM WORTH IT" and "FUCK YOU FOR JUDGING ME".  I'd like to say yes, but we all know that it's not so easy. 

My gram always told me that I shouldn't give a shit about other people's opinions of me and that the only one that mattered is my own of self.  She was a smart, brassy lady.  She lived life in her own terms.  She was a bad-ass.

This upcoming week I'll finally be hitting the gym again.  My sinuses were doing good but then kept fucking up over and over again.  It messed with my sleep and it's taken me over a week to try to get some sense of normalcy. 

I haven't been to the gym in over 3 weeks and I miss it.  My diet hasn't been horseshit; but there may have been a few days where I had some pizza because I was feeling sorry for himself.  That day may have been last night.  Pretty sure it was; and it was damn good. 

Monday's gonna suck.  Time to get my ducks in a row and start working on updating my resume'.  Any tips or tricks, please comment below.  Thanks.