Remnants of what once was............

We're having an insomnia moment.  I've been up all night, can't sleep.  My brain's racing like a fuckin' car at the Indy500. Shit. Today's not been the greatest days for me attitude wise.  I got pissed at my mom; snapped a bit.  That didn't feel good at all.

I just want to be heard.  Someone to REALLY listen to me and not make it about themselves.  Sigh.  I can only do that with a select few people and even now, it's dwindling.

I posed this question to someone close to me earlier tonight:

"Ever feel like there are times when you can't be your true self for fear that no-one will understand you?"

They answered: Yes, all the time.  Lately, I've felt the same way.

So basically, I'm screwed.  I haven't slept longer than 4-5 hours in any given stretch in a LONG TIME.  If someone can tell me how to do that with a 9, almost 10 month old, I'm all ears. She's amazing. She's curious. She's feisty. She's beautiful. She's my daughter and she's 24/7.  I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Funny thing is, during this bout of insomnia, I got on facebook and saw that an old friend of mine was on; he rarely gets on so we started chatting.  Mind you, this guy and I met over 17 years ago.  We started out on a date based on our preferences on match.com and it never went anywhere.  We were so much alike, that we assumed that it'd be like "fun overload" if we ever did get together and, let's be honest....there wasn't ever a spark. 

We do however, share the same birthday, he's one year younger than me so I'm older and more awesome, you know? Ha.

This got me thinking.  Shit.  Who was I 17 years ago?  I was younger, obviously...more carefree and honestly, trying to figure out myself.  I wanted it all; the boyfriend, the career, social life, EVERYTHING.  I had a nice time talking about the past and catching up with my old friend.  But it made me think:

Fun things as; parties, drinking...laughing, staying up until all hours of the night with my friends.  It was an amazing time.

However, these are things of the past; my friend and I discussed how we both used to do those fun things but now that we've aged, not so much anymore.  In all reality, it's ok.  You're supposed to "get that shit" out of your system when you're young, right?  So you don't regret it later on?  Or have a mid-life crisis and breakdown, divorce and fuck up your family?  Maybe I have it all wrong. 

I won't lie, at first I was sad because I realized my life's gone a different direction and if I don't start paying attention to myself every once in awhile, I'm going to look up and be 70 and think...what the fuck have I done with my life?

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret where I am in life.  I LOVE my family, husband and daughter without a doubt.  But have you ever just sat and thought, what about me?  What can I do for myself that's going to not only better me but the rest of my family? 

Yup.  That's what I sat in bed tonight thinking about and NOT sleeping, racing around.  We're supposed to go take care of some things today in a few hours and I'm hoping that by writing this blog now it'll clear up some space so my tired ass can get to sleep. 

It's like this:  My body is EXHAUSTED but my brain's like....

Hope ya'll got some sleep.  I'm jeal. 

Going to try now.

Peace.