Cuts like a knife...

So here it is almost 4am and my ass is up again with insomnia.  Waaaayyyyyy too much on the brain again.  Sigh.  It's a vicious cycle I tell you...nasty. I gotta get this shit out now or I won't ever sleep.  My daughter will be awake in a few hours and I need at least 2 hours myself to mildly function for her. :)

I pose this question for any of you to ponder:  Have any of you have ever had something happen to you that really made you open your eyes? I'm not talking just a little incident that you throw to the way-side and not give much thought.  I'm talking something that really makes you OPEN YOUR EYES UP?  Look past the curtain? 

Yup.  This recently happened to me.  A HUGE disappointing epiphany of the worst kind.  Let me get this disclaimer out and about quickly.

I'm not going to say who the person or person(s) are by name or any outstanding characteristics. I also won't go into full detail of the nature of the issue.  I'm pretty good at getting my point across while maintaining shade.

Some things seem beyond reproach.  When you realize that you can't help someone or a group out; you feel used.  You have to remind yourself that the way someone else behaves is out of your control.  You're the one in control of how you feel and how someone else makes you feel right? That my friends in itself is the SHITTIEST feeling to overcome. 

What can make it worse you wonder?  How about hearing words come from someone that make such a lasting impression that it literally feel like it cuts like a knife?

Thanks Bryan Adams, but that shit don't feel so right.

Or...how about you hear words that sound so callous that it's impossible to even fathom them coming from someone you're super close with, perhaps even family?  Sigh. I'm talking you've NEVER heard this person or person(s) sound even remotely distant or cold in your life? It fucking blows.

I'll be honest people; I'm sad. Hurt. Disillusioned and lost right now. 

Like most things in life; it's something you have to process and then figure out exactly how you want to respond to it or if you even should.  You ask yourself, "Is it even worth it to speak about again?"  "Do you just let it go and move forward, letting yourself not EVER forget what was once said? 

I don't have an answer for myself at this given moment.  The tears have flowed freely tonight and hopefully they can subside soon. I was watching Homeland tonight and the topic of Emotional Transference came up.  It's a hell of a theory that makes complete sense to me right now.  The persons responsible for my mood shift have EXACTLY this syndrome.  Check it out:

Maybe once I calm my shit down, I can start to remember that I have a beautiful life.  I'm a kind, loving person and I hurt deeply just like most people, as much as I'm not keen to admit it. It's a terrible weakness for me, I absolutely detest being vulnerable; I've been hurt too many times. I'm thankful to those of you who have helped me out.  You know who you are.  Just know that I may not always say it but I truly am grateful for you and I love you very much.  

I'm there.  I hope this jaded feeling leaves soon. 

It's 4:30am now, time to get some shut-eye.

Thanks to anyone reading this; I just wanted to vent a bit without sounding overly preachy or negative.  I've had too much of that in my life lately and I have to stop letting it affect me. 

Night.  Or should I say.  Morning.