Cuts like a knife...

So here it is almost 4am and my ass is up again with insomnia.  Waaaayyyyyy too much on the brain again.  Sigh.  It's a vicious cycle I tell you...nasty. I gotta get this shit out now or I won't ever sleep.  My daughter will be awake in a few hours and I need at least 2 hours myself to mildly function for her. :)

I pose this question for any of you to ponder:  Have any of you have ever had something happen to you that really made you open your eyes? I'm not talking just a little incident that you throw to the way-side and not give much thought.  I'm talking something that really makes you OPEN YOUR EYES UP?  Look past the curtain? 

Yup.  This recently happened to me.  A HUGE disappointing epiphany of the worst kind.  Let me get this disclaimer out and about quickly.

I'm not going to say who the person or person(s) are by name or any outstanding characteristics. I also won't go into full detail of the nature of the issue.  I'm pretty good at getting my point across while maintaining shade.

Some things seem beyond reproach.  When you realize that you can't help someone or a group out; you feel used.  You have to remind yourself that the way someone else behaves is out of your control.  You're the one in control of how you feel and how someone else makes you feel right? That my friends in itself is the SHITTIEST feeling to overcome. 

What can make it worse you wonder?  How about hearing words come from someone that make such a lasting impression that it literally feel like it cuts like a knife?

Thanks Bryan Adams, but that shit don't feel so right.

Or...how about you hear words that sound so callous that it's impossible to even fathom them coming from someone you're super close with, perhaps even family?  Sigh. I'm talking you've NEVER heard this person or person(s) sound even remotely distant or cold in your life? It fucking blows.

I'll be honest people; I'm sad. Hurt. Disillusioned and lost right now. 

Like most things in life; it's something you have to process and then figure out exactly how you want to respond to it or if you even should.  You ask yourself, "Is it even worth it to speak about again?"  "Do you just let it go and move forward, letting yourself not EVER forget what was once said? 

I don't have an answer for myself at this given moment.  The tears have flowed freely tonight and hopefully they can subside soon. I was watching Homeland tonight and the topic of Emotional Transference came up.  It's a hell of a theory that makes complete sense to me right now.  The persons responsible for my mood shift have EXACTLY this syndrome.  Check it out:

Maybe once I calm my shit down, I can start to remember that I have a beautiful life.  I'm a kind, loving person and I hurt deeply just like most people, as much as I'm not keen to admit it. It's a terrible weakness for me, I absolutely detest being vulnerable; I've been hurt too many times. I'm thankful to those of you who have helped me out.  You know who you are.  Just know that I may not always say it but I truly am grateful for you and I love you very much.  

I'm there.  I hope this jaded feeling leaves soon. 

It's 4:30am now, time to get some shut-eye.

Thanks to anyone reading this; I just wanted to vent a bit without sounding overly preachy or negative.  I've had too much of that in my life lately and I have to stop letting it affect me. 

Night.  Or should I say.  Morning. 

Remnants of what once was............

We're having an insomnia moment.  I've been up all night, can't sleep.  My brain's racing like a fuckin' car at the Indy500. Shit. Today's not been the greatest days for me attitude wise.  I got pissed at my mom; snapped a bit.  That didn't feel good at all.

I just want to be heard.  Someone to REALLY listen to me and not make it about themselves.  Sigh.  I can only do that with a select few people and even now, it's dwindling.

I posed this question to someone close to me earlier tonight:

"Ever feel like there are times when you can't be your true self for fear that no-one will understand you?"

They answered: Yes, all the time.  Lately, I've felt the same way.

So basically, I'm screwed.  I haven't slept longer than 4-5 hours in any given stretch in a LONG TIME.  If someone can tell me how to do that with a 9, almost 10 month old, I'm all ears. She's amazing. She's curious. She's feisty. She's beautiful. She's my daughter and she's 24/7.  I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Funny thing is, during this bout of insomnia, I got on facebook and saw that an old friend of mine was on; he rarely gets on so we started chatting.  Mind you, this guy and I met over 17 years ago.  We started out on a date based on our preferences on match.com and it never went anywhere.  We were so much alike, that we assumed that it'd be like "fun overload" if we ever did get together and, let's be honest....there wasn't ever a spark. 

We do however, share the same birthday, he's one year younger than me so I'm older and more awesome, you know? Ha.

This got me thinking.  Shit.  Who was I 17 years ago?  I was younger, obviously...more carefree and honestly, trying to figure out myself.  I wanted it all; the boyfriend, the career, social life, EVERYTHING.  I had a nice time talking about the past and catching up with my old friend.  But it made me think:

Fun things as; parties, drinking...laughing, staying up until all hours of the night with my friends.  It was an amazing time.

However, these are things of the past; my friend and I discussed how we both used to do those fun things but now that we've aged, not so much anymore.  In all reality, it's ok.  You're supposed to "get that shit" out of your system when you're young, right?  So you don't regret it later on?  Or have a mid-life crisis and breakdown, divorce and fuck up your family?  Maybe I have it all wrong. 

I won't lie, at first I was sad because I realized my life's gone a different direction and if I don't start paying attention to myself every once in awhile, I'm going to look up and be 70 and think...what the fuck have I done with my life?

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret where I am in life.  I LOVE my family, husband and daughter without a doubt.  But have you ever just sat and thought, what about me?  What can I do for myself that's going to not only better me but the rest of my family? 

Yup.  That's what I sat in bed tonight thinking about and NOT sleeping, racing around.  We're supposed to go take care of some things today in a few hours and I'm hoping that by writing this blog now it'll clear up some space so my tired ass can get to sleep. 

It's like this:  My body is EXHAUSTED but my brain's like....

Hope ya'll got some sleep.  I'm jeal. 

Going to try now.

Peace.

T-I-R-E-D....What's that spell? Hell.

Hey.

It's getting better, my blogging posts are getting closer together instead of further apart.  Kudos to me.  Wee.

Ever feel like you're trying to take 20 steps forward and taking 100 steps backwards?  Yep.  That's my life right now, well at least that's how it feels. We're back on the "yo-yo-yo your body is out of whack again" bullshit.  All I know is...

Legitimately. T-I-R-E-D.  Sigh.

Yup.  Yesterday I had my own pity-party.  Talked to my s.i.l, husband and mom.  I got 3 different perspectives on what's going on but the message from them all was:

"You're going to be fine.  You're strong and people need you.  The steps you're taking are going to make you better in the long run."

Fantastic words of wisdom.  Literal.  I know eventually things will be ok.  It just blows when you're doing all you can and it doesn't seem like it's enough.

Ok, here's the run-down.

The last three months I've been dealing with some "stomach" issues. Let's just say having the flu a few weeks ago didn't help either. 

It doesn't matter what I eat.  If I cut out "dairy" "gluten", etc.  It's there.  It's absolutely embarrassing and been uncontrollable. I was able to exercise for a few weeks before the flu but now I'm not able to so I feel like I'm wasting my money.

So now we move on to specialists...a gastroenterologist to be exact.  Hope I spelled that shit right, if not...oh well, it must be a hazard of the job.  ;)

Now we move forward with blood work, "samples" and some "scopes"...yup.  Front and back will be scheduled soon! The reason? My workup came back and I'm terribly deficient in B12 and Iron.

This has caused my sugar workup to skyrocket.  It's been level since before I was pregnant with Mary-Anne.  Within the span of 3 months it's gone up over 20 percent which is unreal.

Thanks to being deficient, my doc wants me to now see an endocronologist on top of the gastroenterologist and her.  Fucking ridiculous.  People, I've literally had water, soup, fresh veggie/fruit juice, some gluten free pasta and some bread...for weeks at a time.  There is NO WAY IN HELL that my sugar spikes have been from shitty eating.

After doing research, it's been determined that I'm not absorbing vitamins and minerals like a normal regular person.  They're just running right through me.  Which causes the imbalance.

Bring on the vitamins.  Bring on the pills.  I feel like hell.  I'm tired and still fucking whining.  Shit.

Ok.  Thanks everyone for letting me get that out.  It's pure therapy for me to write and get stuff out.  For me, being candid it's a calm for me.  Doc also wants me back on my anxiety meds again.  Still thinking about that one.

So we start the "kicking-ass" part again.  My amazing family is what keeps me going.  All I have to do is look at these two:

Doesn't that just give you the warm feels?  It sure the hell does for me.  These two are my life.  My loves.  My world.  I'll go through hell and ride through the highest fucking water for them.  So, I'll do whatever it takes.  However long it takes to be the best I can for them.  Always.

Again, thanks everyone for letting me whine like a little bitch on here today.

You're the best.

Time to turn a new page...

Hey.

I'm here.

I've been here, but every single time I pull up this blog to write, I don't have much to say.  What's funny about that?  Tell my brain at 5am to stfu with ALL the things I think about when my ass should be sleeping.  Yup. 

So I'm now just literally writing what comes into my head and hope that it's not a jumbled mess of shit.

Most of you know that I'm on maternity leave; I was scheduled to go back to work in June after we go home for Mary-Anne's 1st birthday party with our American family and friends.  However, there have been problems while I've been away that basically accumulated into a phone call I received Friday.  I was trying to maintain optimism that it wouldn't have come down to this; that my company had rebounded and landed a new contract.

They didn't.  I go in Monday to sign off on paperwork giving me a 2 month notice that I have been terminated from my position to due to a lost contract for the company.  Our entire plant is being shut down.  Including myself, there's a good 30+ people who will be out of a job. 

I'm friends with a majority of them and it hurts knowing that a good portion of them are going to struggle.  It's some of the hardest work I've ever seen; working in a plant is no joke.  I worked (still work) for a recycling plant, but I've always had the luxury of being inside the office.  The plant itself it's open air concept; these hard working people don't have air conditioning when it's hot out or heat when it's below freezing. 

Most of them stand up on a line picking out garbage for 8 hours a day or they're outside cleaning or backing in trucks and watching material come off the back.  They have to smell the most atrocious shit and gag at some of the crap that people throw away in their "recycling".  I've told many of them..."I don't know how the hell you do it" and "Jesus Christ, doesn't that shit stink?" 

So yes, here comes the part where I start whining.  Boo-hoo you have to redo your resume'....aww poor baby you have to start interviewing again....that sucks, you start out new again somewhere else.  Yup.  For someone like me; it's not the issue of getting a job; as conceited as it sounds.  I'd consider myself marketable.  I know a good amount of things about things and how to do things and if I don't know the "thing" I make myself master and learn the "thing" needed for said job. 

It's the starting over again and then the "not knowing".  Not knowing is NO GO for me; I like to maintain control as much as I possibly can.  Funny, right? My SIL and I have discussed the possibility of social anxiety disorder.  We looked it up and jeez, it makes sense.  I personally do like to be social, but after a certain amount of time, my brain is like, exhausted.  Done.  It took me a VERY LONG TIME to be comfortable at my husband's family functions because they're such large functions and everyone is loud and happy and talking and it's a lot to take in. 

Anyone look at this chart and think; holy shit??????  The article I read talks about how social anxiety starts at about the age of 13 in most teenagers.  For me, that's right on the money.  I'm always nervous that I'm going to get laughed at or made fun of; it happened a few times for me.  I can remember one instance in middle school where I liked a boy and wrote a poem.  The boy was a fucking jerk; he took it and let everyone read it and I got picked on mercilessly that entire year.  I never wrote any poetry after that.  Wanna know what made it worse thou?  My literature teacher READ IT and told me it was really good and that I had a talent for it.  I know he thought he was doing something good; making the situation better.  He made it worse.  That's mortifying.  Maybe my scared ass should take a stab at it again; who knows? 

It's plausible that mine is genetic.  I know my mom has it; and if she reads this and shakes her head; mamaw....you need to re-read that chart in this blog.  My mom is a wonderful woman; very giving, funny and cares for people who don't deserve anything from her.  She gets hurt easily and doesn't do well with any type of change or negativity in her life.  She's super sensitive and an all around amazing person.  She loves hard and gets crushed harder. 

Would it be enough for those of us with self-esteem or anxiety issues to just one day have an epiphany and realize like..."I AM WORTH IT" and "FUCK YOU FOR JUDGING ME".  I'd like to say yes, but we all know that it's not so easy. 

My gram always told me that I shouldn't give a shit about other people's opinions of me and that the only one that mattered is my own of self.  She was a smart, brassy lady.  She lived life in her own terms.  She was a bad-ass.

This upcoming week I'll finally be hitting the gym again.  My sinuses were doing good but then kept fucking up over and over again.  It messed with my sleep and it's taken me over a week to try to get some sense of normalcy. 

I haven't been to the gym in over 3 weeks and I miss it.  My diet hasn't been horseshit; but there may have been a few days where I had some pizza because I was feeling sorry for himself.  That day may have been last night.  Pretty sure it was; and it was damn good. 

Monday's gonna suck.  Time to get my ducks in a row and start working on updating my resume'.  Any tips or tricks, please comment below.  Thanks.

Can't believe it took this long to figure out...

This blog's going to be a quick one.  I've got a sick girl on my hands and she's very clingy for mommy.  She's got herself a little cold with some congestion and a very runny nose. I feel so bad for her; she's getting plenty of food, she can't drink her bottles that well b/c she's so stuffy she can't breathe...baby vapor rub on the chest, a cool humidifier in the room and plenty of cuddling.  :(  She'll sit with her dad for a bit, but won't go to sleep and she's in desperate need of plenty of that so she can get herself well.

With that being said, I haven't been to the gym in two days.  On top of a sick baby, the roads out here have been horseshit; snowy and icy.  The gym is not worth my life if some dumb-ass decides to t-bone me or rear end me because they can't figure out how to drive in shitty weather.  It made me start to feel bad, because I'm REALLY getting into going.  I LIKE how I feel when I sweat and meet a goal.  My one week trial is up on Monday and I'm definitely going to join for the next year.  When I started to get down this afternoon about not going to the gym, this little voice inside of me said...."Ginny, you need to shut the fuck up.  You KNOW why you can't go.  You aren't sitting here being a lazy fuck, you're busy.  You're a mom and a wife and that's a top priority."  It's the truth.  I am taking care of myself by not eating shitty, and yes, I haven't been to the gym but it's not the end of the world and it isn't a reason to make myself feel bad.  Why?  What good does it do?  

Are we programmed to feel like shit if we don't set out to do what it is that we "plan" on doing even if life gets in the way?  Why do we constantly rationalize our behavior by blaming ourselves and getting upset? 

THAT quote is spot on.  LEGIT. 

As long as I'm not rationalizing negative behavior and reinforcing it within myself or self-indulging in things that do not serve a good purpose for me, I think it'll be ok.  

I'm a bit pissed it took me almost 39 years to figure it out.  But again, when an epiphany hit you, who are you to question it?

Ok, my girl is whiny and won't sleep for her dad so I gots to go.  

I'll write soon.  Thanks for reading.

Winter Blah ha ha

February already.  One month down.  I'm proud of the 7-10 days I did the juicing for.  I am still doing good on having no sweet cravings; however, I've had a hankering for salty potato chips.  I've been letting those go out the window.  Still juicing once or twice a day and I've added meat back into my diet.  I still feel a bit sluggish so I may cut back on that again and see how we do.  

My energy feels off.  Empathy is a double edged sword.  A few of my friends/family have been going through some struggles.  Heart-ache.  I feel it.  It hurts and I'm not sure how I can help anyone?  You see, I've always been a person who likes to solve things, help figure out how to make things ok again.  Does that make sense?  

My husband tells me that I have a hard time taking care of myself because I'm excessively empathetic and have a terrible time focusing on myself and my health...Mental and otherwise.  

  If anyone has any tips on how to curb it a little, I'm game.  

Lately, I've been on an ancestry.com kick.  I got a promotional offer when I took the dna test for 3 months free, so I started my family tree.  You'd be surprised at the amount of information that's stored on that website.  I've almost gotten my grandma elliott's side (the Brunnicks) all the way back to Ireland.  I'm also started on my Grandpa Elliott's side, his mother....the Hawkins of Tennessee and let me tell you something; there's a TON of relatives; some of my great-great-great-great uncles had over 9 children with 2-3 women.  It's definitely a lot of work and it's been keeping me occupied at night when it's "mommy's quiet time".  

My DNA make-up was incredible, I'll show you it below:

The main DNA profile is pretty standard, I knew most of this.  Great Britain consists of Scotland, Wales, UK, Ireland....my dad's side is comprised mostly of ancestors that go back to Ireland and some parts of Germany during the time of the great famine.  

Europe East- Slovakia, Hungary and Romania are my mom's mom side.  There might be Polish on my Mom's dad's side, but I haven't gotten that far yet.

Now........here's the kicker..........this I wasn't prepared for, but I had an idea:

The Africa North and European Jewish threw me for a bit of a loop.  I realize that it's less than 1 percent, but it's there.  It's real.  It's me.  When I was going through the history of the Elliott side, we came across a few wills that "bequeathed" slaves to other members of the family.  I was upset and then I realized that we can't undo the sins or make things "right" from our ancestors.  

I had told my husband that I thought it would come back with some african dna and he laughed at me.  I explained the will(s) and that it was commonly known that the landowners often had children with their slaves.  It's not something I'm proud of.  It's quite disheartening and it doesn't make it ok because "it was a different time."  All I know is that I can make a different NOW in my life with my lineage and tell a story that my future generations can be proud of and that's what I intend to do. 

On the 3rd, it would be my Grandma Highland's birthday.  I remember the last few we had fell on Superbowl.  One year we made her this crazy cake with an edible sheet wishing her a happy birthday with a gnome and a beach on it.  She laughed so hard you could see her dimples.  I miss her so much.  I wish she was here to meet my daughter and see just how much joy she brings to my family and I.  This baby is so happy; she wakes up smiling, rarely cries unless she's fighting sleep (which is every night).  I kiss her so many times a day she's probably sick of it.  I love this girl more than my life itself.  

Being a mom now, I feel like my life has come full circle.  Now if I can only find the balance I need to keep my mental and physical health good and continue to be the best mom,wife, daughter, sister and auntie I can be. 

Peace and love to you all. 

11 days and counting

Hola.

It's been quite a bit of time since I've written.  About 10 days.

Shit.  I had every intention of writing to document each day I did this juicing cleanse and blogging about it.  That didn't happen.  It was WAY harder than I thought it was going to be.  Those first 3 days were hell.  I could barely think, let alone "function" well enough to take care of my daughter.  Thankfully, my husband was off work and was able to help me out.  So...there was no way in hell I was going to be expending energy I barely had to write on this blog.  

Ok, here's a run-down of my juicing experience.

Pros:

Got fuller faster

I didn't eat solid food so it was quick

Low amount of dishes at night

Once the three days past, tons of energy

Slept less, felt good

Rash on my face/arms went away

No acne

Poop wasn't "super stinky"....or hard to get it 

Felt healthy

No cravings for sugar

No cravings for salt

No cravings for greasy/fried foods

Calmer (after the 3rd day)

Less irritable (after the 3rd day)

Cons:

TONS of prep work; cleaning fruit/veggies, slicing, dicing and juicing

TONS of cleaning of the juicer; pulp, shit everywhere

LOTS of soaking of juicer items and containers

I craved solid food after about 7 days

Headaches for the first 3 days...from lack of caffeine

Body aches from lack of sugar for the first 3 days...

My body cleansed for 3 days straight....

 I feel good. I mean, I really feel good.  My body feels clean and rejuvenated.  I'll definitely be doing some more of these cleanses in the near future.  I know what types of juices I like and what types I don't.  I also know that the ones I don't like I have to drink more of because they container more protein and most of the veggies I'm not a huge fan of.  It's alright thou, feeling reset is amazing.  

In total, I lost about 8 pounds....here's a comparison....this fool has 8 pounds of cereal in this bag: 

Boom. 

I'm not ready to start hitting the gym.  I'm thinking I'd like to get back into boxing and working on my upper body strength.  Many moons ago, I used to shadow box and I loved it.  I used to work out with a bunch of old dudes who were cool.  It's a definite that I'll have more strength and agility to get on that treadmill and stair climber or whatever the hell else I decide to start with.  

I also have been doing exercises with my daughter.  My arm strength has increased two fold.  I can now pick her up and not worry about my arms going "spaghetti-ish" and fearing I'll drop her.  I found an easy youtube video that lets me spend time with her while working up a big sweat. 

Here's the link:

 https://youtu.be/DfW-bJU92WI

All in all, best thing I've done for MYSELF in a very long time.  I've been doing so much for my family that I often times forget about self-care.  This wasn't easy to do by any means, especially when you've spent your whole life feeling sluggish and nasty because of the things you've eaten.  I've never had a healthy outlook on life.  Food as always been a "comfort" to me mentally.  Once you step outside of those cravings and realize that there's so much more to food than just shitty eats; it transforms your psyche'.

I know some people aren't water drinkers, others hate tea.  Some of us absolutely HATE veggies and some of us refuse to realize that they way we cook is detrimental to our well-being.  The things I've noticed is that you can cook well and healthy and it doesn't have to taste like fucking cardboard or look like dog shit.  It's ok to add a little bit to spice up your food; a little bit of butter, some nice pink sea salt; a dash of peppercorn, basil....you get the drift.  

My double chin is almost non existent now.  My daughter has nothing to flick with her little hand now when I lay her down for a nap, fucking amazing.  I also don't stray in the grocery store anymore; I have no desire for unrefined foods: cakes, pies, donuts, etc.  I'm hoping this isn't just a fad for my brain and I stick with it.  Shit, I even went to FUCKING COSTCO....I didn't buy one mother fucking bulk pack of cinnamon buns; or a carrot cake.  I bought asparagus, brocolli, an asian veggie medley to cook with.  I even patted myself on the back for that; my brain's taken a turn for goodness.  

For that I'm eternally grateful.  I give props to those motherfuckers who can do the 30-60 day fasting with the juice.  NOT ME....

My newest obsession is my ancestry.com profile.  I've gotten wrapped up in it.  I figured I needed something for the little bit of downtime I do have; and this is sufficient.  Thanks to my sister-in-law for putting the bug up my ass to check it out.  She's been interested in her own heritage and we've had tons of conversations about it.  A week or so ago, we decided to look some stuff up and it amazed me what the website has.  There's a ton of census information from 1910,20,30,40,50, and on....birth and death certificates; certifications; war records...you name it it's probably on there.  

A few months ago I sent in for a DNA test through ancestry.com. My results came in and it was interesting.  It's showing that over 40 percent of "me" is of "Great Britian" origin.  It's also go my eastern european heritage listed (which was a given) and a few others; one of which was noted as "African North"...which blew me away.  I was surprised to not see any native american in there; a friend on my facebook said that it won't come up.  Another friend suggested I try another place to see if this test was accurate.  

Gotta explore my options and see what I can come up with.

Until then.....

U gotta admit, that shit's funny.  

G'nite.