Cuts like a knife...

So here it is almost 4am and my ass is up again with insomnia.  Waaaayyyyyy too much on the brain again.  Sigh.  It's a vicious cycle I tell you...nasty. I gotta get this shit out now or I won't ever sleep.  My daughter will be awake in a few hours and I need at least 2 hours myself to mildly function for her. :)

I pose this question for any of you to ponder:  Have any of you have ever had something happen to you that really made you open your eyes? I'm not talking just a little incident that you throw to the way-side and not give much thought.  I'm talking something that really makes you OPEN YOUR EYES UP?  Look past the curtain? 

Yup.  This recently happened to me.  A HUGE disappointing epiphany of the worst kind.  Let me get this disclaimer out and about quickly.

I'm not going to say who the person or person(s) are by name or any outstanding characteristics. I also won't go into full detail of the nature of the issue.  I'm pretty good at getting my point across while maintaining shade.

Some things seem beyond reproach.  When you realize that you can't help someone or a group out; you feel used.  You have to remind yourself that the way someone else behaves is out of your control.  You're the one in control of how you feel and how someone else makes you feel right? That my friends in itself is the SHITTIEST feeling to overcome. 

What can make it worse you wonder?  How about hearing words come from someone that make such a lasting impression that it literally feel like it cuts like a knife?

Thanks Bryan Adams, but that shit don't feel so right.

Or...how about you hear words that sound so callous that it's impossible to even fathom them coming from someone you're super close with, perhaps even family?  Sigh. I'm talking you've NEVER heard this person or person(s) sound even remotely distant or cold in your life? It fucking blows.

I'll be honest people; I'm sad. Hurt. Disillusioned and lost right now. 

Like most things in life; it's something you have to process and then figure out exactly how you want to respond to it or if you even should.  You ask yourself, "Is it even worth it to speak about again?"  "Do you just let it go and move forward, letting yourself not EVER forget what was once said? 

I don't have an answer for myself at this given moment.  The tears have flowed freely tonight and hopefully they can subside soon. I was watching Homeland tonight and the topic of Emotional Transference came up.  It's a hell of a theory that makes complete sense to me right now.  The persons responsible for my mood shift have EXACTLY this syndrome.  Check it out:

Maybe once I calm my shit down, I can start to remember that I have a beautiful life.  I'm a kind, loving person and I hurt deeply just like most people, as much as I'm not keen to admit it. It's a terrible weakness for me, I absolutely detest being vulnerable; I've been hurt too many times. I'm thankful to those of you who have helped me out.  You know who you are.  Just know that I may not always say it but I truly am grateful for you and I love you very much.  

I'm there.  I hope this jaded feeling leaves soon. 

It's 4:30am now, time to get some shut-eye.

Thanks to anyone reading this; I just wanted to vent a bit without sounding overly preachy or negative.  I've had too much of that in my life lately and I have to stop letting it affect me. 

Night.  Or should I say.  Morning. 

Remnants of what once was............

We're having an insomnia moment.  I've been up all night, can't sleep.  My brain's racing like a fuckin' car at the Indy500. Shit. Today's not been the greatest days for me attitude wise.  I got pissed at my mom; snapped a bit.  That didn't feel good at all.

I just want to be heard.  Someone to REALLY listen to me and not make it about themselves.  Sigh.  I can only do that with a select few people and even now, it's dwindling.

I posed this question to someone close to me earlier tonight:

"Ever feel like there are times when you can't be your true self for fear that no-one will understand you?"

They answered: Yes, all the time.  Lately, I've felt the same way.

So basically, I'm screwed.  I haven't slept longer than 4-5 hours in any given stretch in a LONG TIME.  If someone can tell me how to do that with a 9, almost 10 month old, I'm all ears. She's amazing. She's curious. She's feisty. She's beautiful. She's my daughter and she's 24/7.  I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Funny thing is, during this bout of insomnia, I got on facebook and saw that an old friend of mine was on; he rarely gets on so we started chatting.  Mind you, this guy and I met over 17 years ago.  We started out on a date based on our preferences on match.com and it never went anywhere.  We were so much alike, that we assumed that it'd be like "fun overload" if we ever did get together and, let's be honest....there wasn't ever a spark. 

We do however, share the same birthday, he's one year younger than me so I'm older and more awesome, you know? Ha.

This got me thinking.  Shit.  Who was I 17 years ago?  I was younger, obviously...more carefree and honestly, trying to figure out myself.  I wanted it all; the boyfriend, the career, social life, EVERYTHING.  I had a nice time talking about the past and catching up with my old friend.  But it made me think:

Fun things as; parties, drinking...laughing, staying up until all hours of the night with my friends.  It was an amazing time.

However, these are things of the past; my friend and I discussed how we both used to do those fun things but now that we've aged, not so much anymore.  In all reality, it's ok.  You're supposed to "get that shit" out of your system when you're young, right?  So you don't regret it later on?  Or have a mid-life crisis and breakdown, divorce and fuck up your family?  Maybe I have it all wrong. 

I won't lie, at first I was sad because I realized my life's gone a different direction and if I don't start paying attention to myself every once in awhile, I'm going to look up and be 70 and think...what the fuck have I done with my life?

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret where I am in life.  I LOVE my family, husband and daughter without a doubt.  But have you ever just sat and thought, what about me?  What can I do for myself that's going to not only better me but the rest of my family? 

Yup.  That's what I sat in bed tonight thinking about and NOT sleeping, racing around.  We're supposed to go take care of some things today in a few hours and I'm hoping that by writing this blog now it'll clear up some space so my tired ass can get to sleep. 

It's like this:  My body is EXHAUSTED but my brain's like....

Hope ya'll got some sleep.  I'm jeal. 

Going to try now.

Peace.

T-I-R-E-D....What's that spell? Hell.

Hey.

It's getting better, my blogging posts are getting closer together instead of further apart.  Kudos to me.  Wee.

Ever feel like you're trying to take 20 steps forward and taking 100 steps backwards?  Yep.  That's my life right now, well at least that's how it feels. We're back on the "yo-yo-yo your body is out of whack again" bullshit.  All I know is...

Legitimately. T-I-R-E-D.  Sigh.

Yup.  Yesterday I had my own pity-party.  Talked to my s.i.l, husband and mom.  I got 3 different perspectives on what's going on but the message from them all was:

"You're going to be fine.  You're strong and people need you.  The steps you're taking are going to make you better in the long run."

Fantastic words of wisdom.  Literal.  I know eventually things will be ok.  It just blows when you're doing all you can and it doesn't seem like it's enough.

Ok, here's the run-down.

The last three months I've been dealing with some "stomach" issues. Let's just say having the flu a few weeks ago didn't help either. 

It doesn't matter what I eat.  If I cut out "dairy" "gluten", etc.  It's there.  It's absolutely embarrassing and been uncontrollable. I was able to exercise for a few weeks before the flu but now I'm not able to so I feel like I'm wasting my money.

So now we move on to specialists...a gastroenterologist to be exact.  Hope I spelled that shit right, if not...oh well, it must be a hazard of the job.  ;)

Now we move forward with blood work, "samples" and some "scopes"...yup.  Front and back will be scheduled soon! The reason? My workup came back and I'm terribly deficient in B12 and Iron.

This has caused my sugar workup to skyrocket.  It's been level since before I was pregnant with Mary-Anne.  Within the span of 3 months it's gone up over 20 percent which is unreal.

Thanks to being deficient, my doc wants me to now see an endocronologist on top of the gastroenterologist and her.  Fucking ridiculous.  People, I've literally had water, soup, fresh veggie/fruit juice, some gluten free pasta and some bread...for weeks at a time.  There is NO WAY IN HELL that my sugar spikes have been from shitty eating.

After doing research, it's been determined that I'm not absorbing vitamins and minerals like a normal regular person.  They're just running right through me.  Which causes the imbalance.

Bring on the vitamins.  Bring on the pills.  I feel like hell.  I'm tired and still fucking whining.  Shit.

Ok.  Thanks everyone for letting me get that out.  It's pure therapy for me to write and get stuff out.  For me, being candid it's a calm for me.  Doc also wants me back on my anxiety meds again.  Still thinking about that one.

So we start the "kicking-ass" part again.  My amazing family is what keeps me going.  All I have to do is look at these two:

Doesn't that just give you the warm feels?  It sure the hell does for me.  These two are my life.  My loves.  My world.  I'll go through hell and ride through the highest fucking water for them.  So, I'll do whatever it takes.  However long it takes to be the best I can for them.  Always.

Again, thanks everyone for letting me whine like a little bitch on here today.

You're the best.

Time to turn a new page...

Hey.

I'm here.

I've been here, but every single time I pull up this blog to write, I don't have much to say.  What's funny about that?  Tell my brain at 5am to stfu with ALL the things I think about when my ass should be sleeping.  Yup. 

So I'm now just literally writing what comes into my head and hope that it's not a jumbled mess of shit.

Most of you know that I'm on maternity leave; I was scheduled to go back to work in June after we go home for Mary-Anne's 1st birthday party with our American family and friends.  However, there have been problems while I've been away that basically accumulated into a phone call I received Friday.  I was trying to maintain optimism that it wouldn't have come down to this; that my company had rebounded and landed a new contract.

They didn't.  I go in Monday to sign off on paperwork giving me a 2 month notice that I have been terminated from my position to due to a lost contract for the company.  Our entire plant is being shut down.  Including myself, there's a good 30+ people who will be out of a job. 

I'm friends with a majority of them and it hurts knowing that a good portion of them are going to struggle.  It's some of the hardest work I've ever seen; working in a plant is no joke.  I worked (still work) for a recycling plant, but I've always had the luxury of being inside the office.  The plant itself it's open air concept; these hard working people don't have air conditioning when it's hot out or heat when it's below freezing. 

Most of them stand up on a line picking out garbage for 8 hours a day or they're outside cleaning or backing in trucks and watching material come off the back.  They have to smell the most atrocious shit and gag at some of the crap that people throw away in their "recycling".  I've told many of them..."I don't know how the hell you do it" and "Jesus Christ, doesn't that shit stink?" 

So yes, here comes the part where I start whining.  Boo-hoo you have to redo your resume'....aww poor baby you have to start interviewing again....that sucks, you start out new again somewhere else.  Yup.  For someone like me; it's not the issue of getting a job; as conceited as it sounds.  I'd consider myself marketable.  I know a good amount of things about things and how to do things and if I don't know the "thing" I make myself master and learn the "thing" needed for said job. 

It's the starting over again and then the "not knowing".  Not knowing is NO GO for me; I like to maintain control as much as I possibly can.  Funny, right? My SIL and I have discussed the possibility of social anxiety disorder.  We looked it up and jeez, it makes sense.  I personally do like to be social, but after a certain amount of time, my brain is like, exhausted.  Done.  It took me a VERY LONG TIME to be comfortable at my husband's family functions because they're such large functions and everyone is loud and happy and talking and it's a lot to take in. 

Anyone look at this chart and think; holy shit??????  The article I read talks about how social anxiety starts at about the age of 13 in most teenagers.  For me, that's right on the money.  I'm always nervous that I'm going to get laughed at or made fun of; it happened a few times for me.  I can remember one instance in middle school where I liked a boy and wrote a poem.  The boy was a fucking jerk; he took it and let everyone read it and I got picked on mercilessly that entire year.  I never wrote any poetry after that.  Wanna know what made it worse thou?  My literature teacher READ IT and told me it was really good and that I had a talent for it.  I know he thought he was doing something good; making the situation better.  He made it worse.  That's mortifying.  Maybe my scared ass should take a stab at it again; who knows? 

It's plausible that mine is genetic.  I know my mom has it; and if she reads this and shakes her head; mamaw....you need to re-read that chart in this blog.  My mom is a wonderful woman; very giving, funny and cares for people who don't deserve anything from her.  She gets hurt easily and doesn't do well with any type of change or negativity in her life.  She's super sensitive and an all around amazing person.  She loves hard and gets crushed harder. 

Would it be enough for those of us with self-esteem or anxiety issues to just one day have an epiphany and realize like..."I AM WORTH IT" and "FUCK YOU FOR JUDGING ME".  I'd like to say yes, but we all know that it's not so easy. 

My gram always told me that I shouldn't give a shit about other people's opinions of me and that the only one that mattered is my own of self.  She was a smart, brassy lady.  She lived life in her own terms.  She was a bad-ass.

This upcoming week I'll finally be hitting the gym again.  My sinuses were doing good but then kept fucking up over and over again.  It messed with my sleep and it's taken me over a week to try to get some sense of normalcy. 

I haven't been to the gym in over 3 weeks and I miss it.  My diet hasn't been horseshit; but there may have been a few days where I had some pizza because I was feeling sorry for himself.  That day may have been last night.  Pretty sure it was; and it was damn good. 

Monday's gonna suck.  Time to get my ducks in a row and start working on updating my resume'.  Any tips or tricks, please comment below.  Thanks.